Unraveling the layers

I wanted to write today about my past. I've been kinda self-conscious about writing too much about my childhood. Especially now that I know others are reading. When I started this blog, it was like a window into a dark room that exists in my mind. I tell myself, it wasn't abuse, or even that serious. Some people are beaten, starved and worse as kids.

But when I tell someone, and see their reactions, I feel ashamed of myself. For going through it, and for sometimes enjoying it. For feeling the way I did about her. Last night, I stunned my friend into disgust and silence when I talked about the "special" relationship my mother and I had. And that my aunts had one with their daughters too.

I'm going to write about my mother a little bit. She was a single mom who took care of me the best way she knew how. She didn't dismantle the furniture I was hiding under in order to beat me like her mother did. I want to say that she didn't sexually abuse me the way her mother did, but I don't know what else I can call it.

I don't think it's normal to beat your naked child 4-5 times a day, 30 times a piece with phone cords, switches and belts. To make sexual comments about her body before or after those beatings. To touch her ass during those beatings. To force your child to lay face down, spread eagle and naked for a beating. I think she got off on this at times. She had a bdsm book in her closet and a piece of paraphernalia (a whip) that she told me 'came with the house'.

It's not normal to encourage your child to be nude, and laugh at their prudishness while baring all yourself. It makes a child uncomfortable to know that you and her father had sex during your pregnancy and while nursing. I didn't want to know that he sucked your breasts, and why be surprised that I asked if he got anything out. You put that out there.

It's not normal to compare the size of your child's vagina to her father's penis. Or how the hotness of it made you feel uncomfortable. A 10 year old child should not be encouraged to Kegel, and then given instructions on how to use those muscles at 13 on a man, using your hand as a visual. You don't ask a 10 year old child to tell you if she enjoyed her rape, and ask if it was really rape, or was it something she wanted. That you wouldn't be mad and understood if she wanted that to happen. I didn't want to know that you felt it was OK for men to have sex with kids (think 8-10), as some girls are just hot and seduce men on their own. Any orgasm your friend saw during my 3-4 hour rape was a natural consequence of genital stimulation and not 'pleasure'.

I should have been able to tell you when I became pregnant for the first time at 12. And that my cousin's almost 19 year old friend was the father. That he groomed me for a sexual relationship. That he used to come get me from school so we could have sex for hours until he was ready to take me back. That sick bastard used treats, porn and seduction to teach me to suck him off and have sex with
him. He would use the porn to teach me what to do and encourage me to try it. I would get so much praise from him when I performed the act right.

The things he taught me, I still use when I have sex, and yes I still feel shame. It was the first time I had an orgasm with anyone since I was raped at 10. It hurt being with him, but I liked how he made me feel sometimes and I loved the attention. The attention I didn't get at home. I would do anything for that, even let him almost sodomize me. No 12 year old should feel that way.

I looked 15 but he knew I wasn't. He asked and I lied and added 6 months to my age to make myself 13. He subtracted 3 from his age to make himself 16. I guess it all evened out. I was too small for him to even penetrate me for the first few times. If I could have told you, maybe I wouldn't have hooked up with him and his cousin later, when I was 19 myself.

Maybe I wouldn't have been passed from a pedophile to his cousin to the man who would later try to kill me. I was passed between them like a trading card, once they each got tired of fucking me. Because you said you would beat me if I had sex and came up pregnant, I hid my pregnancy and miscarriage and bled alone by myself in that bathroom. You found out a month or two later. And of course you went off. I still lied and told you some 13 year old kid was with me because I was too afraid to tell you the truth.

You shouldn't have tried to touch my chest and vagina then laughed when I avoided your hand. I feel ashamed to admit that with time, I came to enjoy the beatings and they stimulated me in a way I shouldn't have been. Sometimes I made you beat me because it aroused me. I spent my entire childhood that I can remember (5 and up) in a constant state of sexual arousal. I was obsessed with sex and spent most of my day masturbating for hours, or hurting my vagina by penetrating it with large objects. I liked the pain as it made me feel better. When I hurt my world would come into focus, and things would feel right again.

My mother is the one who taught me to use my body to get what I wanted, to seduce men. She simultaneously told me how nasty I was for doing it. I got some of my manipulation and hustling skills from my father, but not as much as her. I was her student and I studied her to learn right from wrong and how to survive and take care of myself. My father abandoned us when I was 2 to get high, sold his ass, and slept with men. I still hate him for leaving me with her. For claiming ignorance when I mentioned beatings.

As much as she looked down on him for his lifestyle, she mostly kept quiet about it. I suspect sometimes that my mother got up to similar, by selling herself and what not. She's the one who taught me that if you must whore for your children, never let them know, or they lose respect for you. Those were her words to me. She was full of gems like that sometimes. Because of her, I learned that the best way to keep a man was to fuck him as much as possible. Too bad that has never worked for me.

Where does a child get something like that? A girl who is raped at 10 shouldn't wonder why she wasn't a virgin when it happened. I don't remember ever having a hymen. I could write about the things I would fantasize about, but I've become overwhelmed and I need to stop writing. I was exposed to a lot as a child, but I've managed to normalize so much of it, ie my mom's friend getting me high at 2, being allowed to drink in moderation growing up. I'm going to curl up in a ball and self-soothe now (suck my thumb). Sorry. There's more that she did, but I know I purposely forget because as usual, it's too much for me to think about. I guess I have that in common with her. It was too much for her sometimes, to remember her own abuse.