Say What You Need To Say

"Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again"

 So I've been spending a lot of time trying to get and keep my shit together. Nothing like pain to serve as a wake up call to your life. Most of the the time I spend my days healing, shopping online and caring for my children. I also spend what is probably an unhealthy amount of time looking for and reading blogs where people make life choices and decisions that suck the breath out of my lungs and leave me screaming WTF at my screen. 

I start this post with that because some of those blogs that I read make me think about what kind of person I present myself to the world as. Do I want to stay the way that I am, or am I ready for some genuine changes. If so, changes into what? Are these lifestyle, spiritual or relationship changes? I know that I can't keep going the way that I was. I finally just said to myself last night, that this whole cycle that I'm caught in finally bores me and I'm ready for something new.

I want a better life for myself and my children. I'm contemplating leaving the city where I am for something new. I would like to spend more time living life rather than hiding away and this place really caters to the latter. I'm also scared that I'll relapse back into the old behaviors and there is a scary high rate of HIV here. Most importantly, my kids hate it here, and it's too expensive to have a decent lifestyle, pay rent and just live like anything but desperately poor. So I think we will be leaving soon.

It's kind of funny how I thought I would breeze up in here pregnant, have an abortion and just kind of get on with my life. Totally easy right? Wrong. Every roadblock I could encounter, I did. Some of them from others around me, some from bureaucracy, and some of my own design. I just had this picture of how things would be, and it didn't pan out that way.


"Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open"

There's a lot to that story and I'm just beginning to process my feelings and the events that happened to me. It was very traumatic and I still have strong emotions to work through. I'm not sure how to write it though. It's too raw. If a "pro-life" troll came out of the woodwork on the basis of an abortion post, God help me if I write about how I feel now that I've given birth.

If anything, my experiences have strengthened my prochoice position and is the catalyst for a new book that I am currently writing. See, I did finally write that book. Guess I just had to have the "lived experience" first. Until next time.

Are We All OK Out There?

I'm alive. I've just been dealing with some personal stuff that I did not feel like sharing on my blog. I made some decisions I did not feel like sharing just now, plus some of my readers have become friends and I did not want to announce those choices online before I got a chance to talk to them. Or maybe I just didn't feel like sharing with them either now. Who knows? I read the supportive comments, the snarky "This is your fetus comments" et cetera. I read them all. I didn't have internet access for awhile so it wasn't possible for me to update this site how I wanted. Plus I was dealing with some shit that just seemed more important than keeping everyone updated on the minutia of my life.

Since childbirth has spontaneously cured me of my sexual addiction, I don't know what I will blog about. The thought of a man coming near me right now makes me want to vomit and become violent. I spent a lot of time delving into my motivations for all this sleeping around and I still don't have all the answers. But I do know I don't want to be touched. I have a lot of time on my hand healing from my various surgeries and disabilities incurred giving birth (not sharing don't ask), so I'll try to keep this updated more often. Near death experiences have a way of making you appreciate life more, and if you let it can make you more conscious in your life and aware.