That something 'special'

I don't know if I mentioned this in one of my posts before, but I used to sell myself when I was younger. The last time I did that was with an ex of mine who was selling me to his friends. Even though so many signs were there, I didn't recognize that I was whoring for him because I never saw any money exchanging hands. Even though he tried to recruit my friends, even though he had friends placing requests to be with me. Not even when he suggested I start working on a cam online, did I think that he was pimping me out.

Finally I told him it had to stop as I felt he was pimping me. And he told me flat out that he was (he just never mentioned the for money part lol). That it was for me and my own sexual pleasure, and I should be happy that he had so many men lined up for me. Blech. It's been hard leaving him alone, and I went back to him for awhile. When I went back, it was with the understanding of both parties that I would work for him. But then, I just couldn't deal with it. I got out before it started up, and I'm trying to leave him alone.

When I was younger, I sold myself to local dope boys and men that wanted blow jobs, hand jobs or sex. Usually abusive and kinky sex. I was 11 the first time anyone bought sex from me, and 12 when an 18 almost 19 year old initiated a sexual relationship with me. He would give me things in exchange for me coming to his house and having sex with him for hours when I should have been at school. This occurred for about a year, leading to a pregnancy at 12 and an STD (trich). I remember being sad when my mom moved us to the 'burbs, as this meant we could no longer have our 'special' relationship.

I will go into it more in another post, but around 18-19, I sold sex to anyone who wanted it. I felt ashamed, dirty, and hated myself. I would take long baths after it was over, or cry or get high to deal with the feelings that came up. It wasn't glamorous.

I was talking to a friend last night. And she told me how she was always envious of friends she had as a teen/young woman who sold their ass. I won't go into it, but she was treated really shitty as a child by someone who was closest to her. She felt she would have been special if some guy had paid for pussy. Her friends were being tricked on by some guy, and it looked so cool to her. I got stuff (money, etc) and yea, sometimes I felt special.

That is until I had sucked so much dick I wanted to throw up from swallowing so much semen. Or I couldn't sit down because my pussy hurt. Or a regular trick decided to sodomize me at gunpoint (I got away). I felt crappy for selling pussy when I ran out of money and needed a ride somewhere. I rationalized that at least I got the ride and some cash. I didn't feel special though. I had these guys, some sexy and successful (at drug dealing at least), and some unattractive and paying me because they wouldn't get any otherwise touching me. I felt like shit.

The reason for this long winded-ass post is because I'm going back into it...possibly. I need the money, and it's be homeless and starving, or sell some ass and numb myself while I do it. I have an extraordinary ability to numb myself out when something bad happens to me. Sometimes I will flashback to things that have happened to me that I blanked out of my mind. When I was raped at 10, I managed to make myself go away while he was raping me. It was like flipping channels on a tv how I would come to and he'd be doing something new to me. But the details, the color details, I blocked out. This weekend one of them came back to me, and it blew me away...But anyway, I can make myself go somewhere else when shit affects me too much.

I'm going to do cam work first, and branch out into escorting. There are a lot of men who get off on big women. A lot. It's almost scary how many. I was with a younger man 2 weeks ago that screwed me into the ground because he was turned on by my age, color and shape. I put up a page 4 years ago looking for clients, and averaged 5-6 requests a week. And that was with minimal advertising as I didn't have the time or savvy to really put myself out there. I still get replies even though I don't market the site anymore. I never went through with it, as things changed for me then. I had more options. But now I need that money so I have to do what I have to do.