It's about the control, idiot

I was thinking today about some of my behavior. Why engage in these types of behaviors especially when I know that society looks down on me for them? It's about the control. It's a way to have some form of control over my life that I can't get any other way.

When I used to binge and purge as a teen, I was using my body as a way to have control over other areas of my life. I felt that if I could just control my weight, everything else would work out. Abusing sex is another way to gain control. For small moments of time, I have control. Over myself, over my partner's orgasm. I'm a focal point of desire. It's why I mostly go after men most would classify as alphas because being wanted by someone I perceive as sexier than myself, makes me feel more powerful.

It's also why I let myself fall pregnant time and time again. It's all about body control. I would like one more child, but right now isn't a good time for that. So I create pregnancies I know I won't sustain because I want to control my own fertility and when I have a baby. Everyone around me tells me I'm irresponsible, promiscuous and sinful for having three babies out of wedlock and three baby daddies.

Everyone, even the rapist/father of one of my children says that I deserved what he did to me. Being raped and having him take control of my reproductive choices for all those months did something to me. I said that I would never allow my body to ever be controlled that way again. Getting pregnant is my middle finger to those around me who say I shouldn't. Even if I know I won't have it, I have control now.

I might be pregnant now, and I'm already trying to see where I can get the money for an abortion. I don't want a baby with that man, nor he with me. If I'm pregnant, I will likely be pregnant again within six months. I just wish I could change. So I just wanted to say that for every pro-choicer who says that someone like me doesn't exist, know this. We exist. We're just usually smart enough to be quiet about it.