Say What You Need To Say

"Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again"

 So I've been spending a lot of time trying to get and keep my shit together. Nothing like pain to serve as a wake up call to your life. Most of the the time I spend my days healing, shopping online and caring for my children. I also spend what is probably an unhealthy amount of time looking for and reading blogs where people make life choices and decisions that suck the breath out of my lungs and leave me screaming WTF at my screen. 

I start this post with that because some of those blogs that I read make me think about what kind of person I present myself to the world as. Do I want to stay the way that I am, or am I ready for some genuine changes. If so, changes into what? Are these lifestyle, spiritual or relationship changes? I know that I can't keep going the way that I was. I finally just said to myself last night, that this whole cycle that I'm caught in finally bores me and I'm ready for something new.

I want a better life for myself and my children. I'm contemplating leaving the city where I am for something new. I would like to spend more time living life rather than hiding away and this place really caters to the latter. I'm also scared that I'll relapse back into the old behaviors and there is a scary high rate of HIV here. Most importantly, my kids hate it here, and it's too expensive to have a decent lifestyle, pay rent and just live like anything but desperately poor. So I think we will be leaving soon.

It's kind of funny how I thought I would breeze up in here pregnant, have an abortion and just kind of get on with my life. Totally easy right? Wrong. Every roadblock I could encounter, I did. Some of them from others around me, some from bureaucracy, and some of my own design. I just had this picture of how things would be, and it didn't pan out that way.


"Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open"

There's a lot to that story and I'm just beginning to process my feelings and the events that happened to me. It was very traumatic and I still have strong emotions to work through. I'm not sure how to write it though. It's too raw. If a "pro-life" troll came out of the woodwork on the basis of an abortion post, God help me if I write about how I feel now that I've given birth.

If anything, my experiences have strengthened my prochoice position and is the catalyst for a new book that I am currently writing. See, I did finally write that book. Guess I just had to have the "lived experience" first. Until next time.

I'm having an abortion

Today I finally made a decision about this pregnancy. I spent all morning looking for a homeless shelter and none of them had space. How can I bring a child into this mess? I did some research and found a few abortion funds that can help. I'm hoping using more than one will enable me to pay for this abortion.

In a few weeks, my life will be different. I'll be in a different city, trying to adjust to life. My kids will be in new schools. And I'll no longer be pregnant. I got my world rocked by morning sickness today. Another 3-4 months of that is not fun. Plus any bed rest I may have to go on like I did with my others. I have to figure out what to tell my children. Someone felt the need to tell my children that I was pregnant and ask them how they felt about a new brother or sister. My kids have been so psyched about a new baby. How do you tell your kids that a baby isn't going to be born?

Fear and loathing

I'm disgusted with myself right now. I'm seriously considering an abortion, and I'm in the process of losing a friend. My life is too complicated for another child, and why drag someone else into my mess? I have health and financial fears and just feel afraid in general. Afraid to lose this baby and afraid to have it. I don't know what to do, and I want to be proactive in any decision I make.

My friend is disgusted with me. I know "S" is fed up with what appears to be my rationalization of my childhood and my passivity. Before calling, I was resolved not to talk about my life or my viewpoints with "S". It never leads anywhere nice. My friends gets flustered and upset and so do I...I just want the easy conversations we had in the beginning. I want that easiness back. I hate talking about my fucked up life and my fucked up way of doing things. Why can't we talk about cupcakes or some shit? I just think if we stop focusing on any of my shit, things will get better. I just wish my friend could take me as I am, move past my way of seeing things, and be ok with my life being off limits...Talking about my fucked up life has driven a wedge between us. I hate that. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be.


*"Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net"

Sex addiction as a form of self injury or harm

When you think of self-injury, you tend to think of emoish teen girls cutting themselves. Or maybe binging and purging. You never think sex. Sex is supposed to be about intimacy or bonding oneself to another person. Can you use sex to harm yourself? How can something that's supposed to feel good hurt so much?

I finally realized some things about myself. I use sex, especially unprotected sex that leads to multiple pregnancies. as a way to hurt myself. I feel better when I'm bogged down in another crisis pregnancy, or trying to decide what to do. It's an opportunity to care for myself and find attention. I can show myself the attention and caring I never received during my rapes or abuse at home.

There have been many times where I had sex to the point of pain. Then had more sex to further irritate myself. This week I had so much sex that it hurt to even sit down. I can masturbate for hours, even after my clitoris burns. The way that I have sex is in itself, very harmful.

Usually, I perform oral sex on a man, while minimizing his chances to touch me. Once he is hard (if he didn't arrive that way), I will get on all fours with my face touching the ground, and push my ass towards him. When he's in, I encourage my partner to act 'abusive'. I will tell him to call me names such as bitch, whore or slut. Another biggie is to make him pump me as hard as possible, even if it hurts. If the man hits me, I become very aroused. To just thoroughly abuse and misuse me during sex.

I've managed to restrain myself from asking to be held down or forced. I've really wanted to ask a man to force me to take his cock, but I'm scared of the reaction. Many guys might be scared they'll be accused of rape, or wonder about my mental state. But sometimes I want to. Instead I allow any man who looks good to lay on top of me, or push me up against a wall and pull my panties down. I even let some of them cum inside me.

Even though I want to avoid diseases and pregnancy, I feel better if I let them unload inside me. I feel degraded and like a true whore when a man's semen is running down my legs or pooling in my panties. Because of health issues, my choices of contraceptive are limited to polyurethane condoms or spermicidal. When I become hypomanic, I don't take care of my sexual health the way I should. It's easier to ignore it, or it doesn't come up. 

When I'm manic, it's like my mind is on fire, but I don't notice. I just flit from thing to thing, never lingering for long in one place. It's hard to remember birth control at those moments. My attention tends to be focused on my family and on really stupid shit. Many, though not all, of my pregnancies were conceived when I was either hypomanic or acting out sexually because of my addiction. Once I come down from that, I have to face the consequences of what I've done. I think I even conceived once while selling myself. Selling sex may be another way I abuse myself. Forcing myself to be with men for sex confirms how I feel about myself. I put on a brave face, but inside it's killing me.