Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Countdown to no longer being pregnant

My first appointment is tomorrow. Because I live in a shitty state with a 24 hour wait period, I can't get the procedure done until Friday or Saturday. I'm still wondering where I will get the money. The clinic has funding sources that can help with up to $200 of my procedure, but I will have to find the rest. My abortion will cost $480. I can lay hands to $150 more. I don't know what to do.

I'm going to try to gather as many comfort items as I can, to make this the least shitty experience possible. Only a local anesthetic is included at my price point, so distraction is called for. Unluckily for me, I'm missing the charger and headphones to my Android, so I won't be able to take that to the clinic. I could take my laptop, but I'm taking the bus and I'm absentminded. Been there, won't do that again.

I'm staying with a friend right now. She lost her baby a few months ago to a miscarriage. I mentioned abortion to her once and she quickly told me that wasn't an option. She a Baptist and real conservative. I'm so scared she'll find out and kick me out, but I can't have this baby. This situation stinks. Her pregnancy was wanted and she still mourns for her baby. Mine was less planned but this baby is loved. In fact is loved so much I'm doing the most compassionate thing I can do. This is going to kill me emotionally but it's the right thing to do.

I don't have any support to have this baby.Yesterday when I called a minister I knew for help because I couldn't find a shelter for my family, all they could recommend was a shelter that takes kids when their parents can't take care of them. I feel like God is against me and hates me right now. Going through this has solidified my decision and ensured I will never set foot in another house of worship as long as I live. No one is here for me, everyone else is living their own lives. They feel this is something I brought on myself, and they're right. There is no help out there for people like me, and I'm not naive enough to believe there will ever be.

I'm so sad thinking this may be the daughter I always wanted. With my fucked up childhood, I don't really need a daughter, so it's for the best. I've done this before, but this time feels different. It hurts my heart the closer I get to having it done. If you've been there and it was hard for you to do, your comments would be sincerely appreciated.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hope you didnt do it. Signed,Fetus inside you

Anonymous said...

Dear Marie,

My name is Sharon. I stumbled upon your blog by chance but I haven't been able to tear myself away. In the last couple of hours, I've read every single one of your entries.

In many ways, it feels like you and I live in completely different worlds. I'm an English girl who was lucky enough to grow up in a stable home. My parents weren't rich but they were loving and worked as hard as they could to provide an education for my sister and myself.

Their efforts paid off because both of us managed to secure a decent job. My sister's even started a family. I'm single and don't have any children yet.

Please don't think I'm telling you all this to gloat. What I want you to know, is that I've had two abortions myself. Over ten years ago, I fell pregnant twice within the space of 8 months. At the time, I was 18, naive and too caught up in an unhealthy relationship to take care of myself.

In a way, I've been 'that girl' too. I wouldn't dream of comparing the judgment I got to what you have been through but if anything good came out of that horrible year of being 18, it's learning not pass judgment. We're human. We make mistakes and cope the best we can.

I couldn't begin to understand what you've had to deal with, but for what it's worth, I truly hope you find the help, support and love that you deserve.

For all life has thrown at you, you are above all else a very eloquent, intelligent and strong woman.

Take care,

Sharon

Anonymous said...

One more thing: I only just noticed you haven't written anything in 6 months.

On the off chance that you do read this comment: I hope you'll find a way to pick it up again. Or, even better, that you've decided to go ahead and write that book.

I'd be first in line to buy it.

Sharon

Unknown said...

Thanks Sharon for your kind comments. I didn't have the abortion I badly needed, and still feel would have been best. I may go into it on another post, but right now I can't as the feelings are too raw and I am so angry. So angry. But I wanted to thank you for this.

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