I'm disgusted with myself right now. I'm seriously considering an abortion, and I'm in the process of losing a friend. My life is too complicated for another child, and why drag someone else into my mess? I have health and financial fears and just feel afraid in general. Afraid to lose this baby and afraid to have it. I don't know what to do, and I want to be proactive in any decision I make.
My friend is disgusted with me. I know "S" is fed up with what appears to be my rationalization of my childhood and my passivity. Before calling, I was resolved not to talk about my life or my viewpoints with "S". It never leads anywhere nice. My friends gets flustered and upset and so do I...I just want the easy conversations we had in the beginning. I want that easiness back. I hate talking about my fucked up life and my fucked up way of doing things. Why can't we talk about cupcakes or some shit? I just think if we stop focusing on any of my shit, things will get better. I just wish my friend could take me as I am, move past my way of seeing things, and be ok with my life being off limits...Talking about my fucked up life has driven a wedge between us. I hate that. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be.
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2 comments:
It's difficult to maintain a friendship if you don't want the intimacy of a friendship which means talking about your life and what is going on in your life.
It is hard. Part of being a mature grown up adult is being able to share things with others. I have a wall of bullshit that I put up to prevent others from getting too close to hurt me. I assume either they will hurt me, or my caring and concern for them will be use to hurt me. I want to get close and share, but I don't know how. That's why I like this site. It's a place where I can lay my burdens down and be upfront and honest about what I'm facing. I have a handful of friends, and fewer that I can be honest with.
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