Say What You Need To Say

"Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again"

 So I've been spending a lot of time trying to get and keep my shit together. Nothing like pain to serve as a wake up call to your life. Most of the the time I spend my days healing, shopping online and caring for my children. I also spend what is probably an unhealthy amount of time looking for and reading blogs where people make life choices and decisions that suck the breath out of my lungs and leave me screaming WTF at my screen. 

I start this post with that because some of those blogs that I read make me think about what kind of person I present myself to the world as. Do I want to stay the way that I am, or am I ready for some genuine changes. If so, changes into what? Are these lifestyle, spiritual or relationship changes? I know that I can't keep going the way that I was. I finally just said to myself last night, that this whole cycle that I'm caught in finally bores me and I'm ready for something new.

I want a better life for myself and my children. I'm contemplating leaving the city where I am for something new. I would like to spend more time living life rather than hiding away and this place really caters to the latter. I'm also scared that I'll relapse back into the old behaviors and there is a scary high rate of HIV here. Most importantly, my kids hate it here, and it's too expensive to have a decent lifestyle, pay rent and just live like anything but desperately poor. So I think we will be leaving soon.

It's kind of funny how I thought I would breeze up in here pregnant, have an abortion and just kind of get on with my life. Totally easy right? Wrong. Every roadblock I could encounter, I did. Some of them from others around me, some from bureaucracy, and some of my own design. I just had this picture of how things would be, and it didn't pan out that way.


"Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open"

There's a lot to that story and I'm just beginning to process my feelings and the events that happened to me. It was very traumatic and I still have strong emotions to work through. I'm not sure how to write it though. It's too raw. If a "pro-life" troll came out of the woodwork on the basis of an abortion post, God help me if I write about how I feel now that I've given birth.

If anything, my experiences have strengthened my prochoice position and is the catalyst for a new book that I am currently writing. See, I did finally write that book. Guess I just had to have the "lived experience" first. Until next time.

Are We All OK Out There?

I'm alive. I've just been dealing with some personal stuff that I did not feel like sharing on my blog. I made some decisions I did not feel like sharing just now, plus some of my readers have become friends and I did not want to announce those choices online before I got a chance to talk to them. Or maybe I just didn't feel like sharing with them either now. Who knows? I read the supportive comments, the snarky "This is your fetus comments" et cetera. I read them all. I didn't have internet access for awhile so it wasn't possible for me to update this site how I wanted. Plus I was dealing with some shit that just seemed more important than keeping everyone updated on the minutia of my life.

Since childbirth has spontaneously cured me of my sexual addiction, I don't know what I will blog about. The thought of a man coming near me right now makes me want to vomit and become violent. I spent a lot of time delving into my motivations for all this sleeping around and I still don't have all the answers. But I do know I don't want to be touched. I have a lot of time on my hand healing from my various surgeries and disabilities incurred giving birth (not sharing don't ask), so I'll try to keep this updated more often. Near death experiences have a way of making you appreciate life more, and if you let it can make you more conscious in your life and aware.

Countdown to no longer being pregnant

My first appointment is tomorrow. Because I live in a shitty state with a 24 hour wait period, I can't get the procedure done until Friday or Saturday. I'm still wondering where I will get the money. The clinic has funding sources that can help with up to $200 of my procedure, but I will have to find the rest. My abortion will cost $480. I can lay hands to $150 more. I don't know what to do.

I'm going to try to gather as many comfort items as I can, to make this the least shitty experience possible. Only a local anesthetic is included at my price point, so distraction is called for. Unluckily for me, I'm missing the charger and headphones to my Android, so I won't be able to take that to the clinic. I could take my laptop, but I'm taking the bus and I'm absentminded. Been there, won't do that again.

I'm staying with a friend right now. She lost her baby a few months ago to a miscarriage. I mentioned abortion to her once and she quickly told me that wasn't an option. She a Baptist and real conservative. I'm so scared she'll find out and kick me out, but I can't have this baby. This situation stinks. Her pregnancy was wanted and she still mourns for her baby. Mine was less planned but this baby is loved. In fact is loved so much I'm doing the most compassionate thing I can do. This is going to kill me emotionally but it's the right thing to do.

I don't have any support to have this baby.Yesterday when I called a minister I knew for help because I couldn't find a shelter for my family, all they could recommend was a shelter that takes kids when their parents can't take care of them. I feel like God is against me and hates me right now. Going through this has solidified my decision and ensured I will never set foot in another house of worship as long as I live. No one is here for me, everyone else is living their own lives. They feel this is something I brought on myself, and they're right. There is no help out there for people like me, and I'm not naive enough to believe there will ever be.

I'm so sad thinking this may be the daughter I always wanted. With my fucked up childhood, I don't really need a daughter, so it's for the best. I've done this before, but this time feels different. It hurts my heart the closer I get to having it done. If you've been there and it was hard for you to do, your comments would be sincerely appreciated.

I'm having an abortion

Today I finally made a decision about this pregnancy. I spent all morning looking for a homeless shelter and none of them had space. How can I bring a child into this mess? I did some research and found a few abortion funds that can help. I'm hoping using more than one will enable me to pay for this abortion.

In a few weeks, my life will be different. I'll be in a different city, trying to adjust to life. My kids will be in new schools. And I'll no longer be pregnant. I got my world rocked by morning sickness today. Another 3-4 months of that is not fun. Plus any bed rest I may have to go on like I did with my others. I have to figure out what to tell my children. Someone felt the need to tell my children that I was pregnant and ask them how they felt about a new brother or sister. My kids have been so psyched about a new baby. How do you tell your kids that a baby isn't going to be born?

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SUICIDAL THOUGHTS: Keep Fighting, Don't Give up!

This was a good video to come across today. I've hit a low point in my life, and I sometimes feel alone like no one cares and there's no way out of my situation. I tried calling a few friends, but they had their own shit to deal with. And I didn't call "S" since my friend is already tired of my bullshit. I didn't want "S" to see me like this. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes it feels so easy to stay stuck and stand still. As a black woman, I feel I have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's ridiculous. Even Superman needs help sometimes. So if you're going through some stuff, or know someone this might help, check this out:

Fear and loathing

I'm disgusted with myself right now. I'm seriously considering an abortion, and I'm in the process of losing a friend. My life is too complicated for another child, and why drag someone else into my mess? I have health and financial fears and just feel afraid in general. Afraid to lose this baby and afraid to have it. I don't know what to do, and I want to be proactive in any decision I make.

My friend is disgusted with me. I know "S" is fed up with what appears to be my rationalization of my childhood and my passivity. Before calling, I was resolved not to talk about my life or my viewpoints with "S". It never leads anywhere nice. My friends gets flustered and upset and so do I...I just want the easy conversations we had in the beginning. I want that easiness back. I hate talking about my fucked up life and my fucked up way of doing things. Why can't we talk about cupcakes or some shit? I just think if we stop focusing on any of my shit, things will get better. I just wish my friend could take me as I am, move past my way of seeing things, and be ok with my life being off limits...Talking about my fucked up life has driven a wedge between us. I hate that. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be.


*"Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net"