Great expectations

I'm pregnant. There's really no reason to talk around that, so I'll just put that out there. I've known for about two weeks. The baby's father could be any of the 4 men I slept with that week, although 3 seem likelier. I got horny, I fucked, enjoyed it and this is the result. Since I have a lot of unprotected sex, this was inevitable and I'm coping well with it.

The last few weeks were spent trying to decide whether or not to carry to term. No matter what I chose, there would be someone who would have a reason for my decision being wrong. There were so many variables that went into my choice. How would I cope with another child? What about my other children? Can I afford this? One of my friends with benefits knows, so I took his feelings into consideration too. Then I chose to carry to term.

There were a lot of things I had to consider. My financial situation is very unstable at the moment and I'm moving soon. Two of my children have developmental concerns, and it's only been two years since the birth of my last. I'll be on my own with this baby, just like the others. And this will make "baby daddy" #4. I never wanted to be that girl.

Growing up, I knew that I would be a mother someday. All my children would have the same father: One man who wanted to be involved in their lives and loved them with all his heart. I knew firsthand how much it hurt to have a father who didn't want to deal with you, and I saw cousins who struggled and received no help from their multiple baby daddies. I was turned off by that, and was raised to be monogamous, and to find a good man who would love me and our children. How did I get so far from that?

  

I'm extremely promiscuous, and I know how that is judged by our society. I'm a fat black woman with multiple children by multiple men. I buy right into the Aunt Jemima/Mammy stereotype right there. Except for the sex part, so I guess I have a little Jezebel in me there. I could attribute some of this to past trauma, or I could accept total responsibility for how my life turned out. All I know to do is to take responsibility for my actions right now. There are people depending on me, including this baby. I need to make the best choices for this child, my current children and myself.

Adoption is an option right now. I just have to be brave enough to make that choice. Plus, who really wants a partially or fully black baby with an unknown father? The men I slept with were of different races and right after the other. This could go either way and I won't know anything until the birth.